


Loose Lips Sink (Friend)Ships

by Murataku



Category: The Flying Nun (TV)
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Humour, Kind Of Shipping But Not Exactly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-12
Updated: 2017-03-12
Packaged: 2018-10-03 05:13:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10236647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Murataku/pseuds/Murataku
Summary: Sister Bertrille and Carlos have a rather embarrassing problem. Sister Jacqueline is just amazed it didn’t happen sooner.





	

**Author's Note:**

> First time writing these characters. 
> 
> Also, I'm not a Catholic, so please forgive me if I did anything horribly wrong here.

Ever since Sister Bertrille came to our convent, she has proven time and time again her ability to bring out the best in even the most difficult of people.

A prime example being one Señor Carlos Ramirez, owner of San Tanco’s most popular casino and nightclub, and notorious playboy. Within a week of Sister Bertrille’s arrival he had somehow become one of her closest friends, and her constant, though often reluctant, companion through more messes than anybody could ever hope to remember.

But one mess that I’ll never forget, although I’m sure they’d like me to, is the time when Señor Ramirez’s attempt to do Sister Bertrille a simple favour ended with them both biting off a little more than they could chew.

It all began with a rather peculiar encounter on a trip to the carnival. Sister Bertrille and I were taking the orphan children of the convent on a trip to a travelling carnival that was passing through, and Señor Ramirez had generously offered to drive us, as our own vehicle was once again out of action. The children had been having a marvellous time, going on rides, playing carnival games, and eating treats. I myself had just been sitting down to enjoy a bag of hot peanuts when I saw something very strange: Señor Ramirez talking to one of the boys from the convent, looking remarkably like a cat that had been caught with some feathers poking from its mouth.

“Paolo, listen here. Look. I got a nice big lollypop here, okay? Now, I’ll give it to you, if you promise not to say anything to anyone about what you saw. Alright? Good boy.”

I wanted to get up and ask Señor Ramirez what I had just witnessed, but just as I was rising from the bench little Juanita came up to me in tears, crying that she had lost her hair ribbons. By the time I had calmed her down and pointed out they were in her pocket, Señor Ramirez was had vanished.This was certainly strange, but at the time I thought little of it. Señor Ramirez is a dear friend of the convent, but his reputation as a man of questionable moral character is unfortunately rather well-founded. Whatever he had been caught doing, I decided that it was better if I didn’t know.

Little did I know that not two days later, I would be pulled aside by Sister Bertrille and asked to meet her and Señor Ramirez in the garden for a talk. And nothing could prepare me for what I would hear when I got there.

“We’ve, um…We’ve got a little problem.”

Sister Bertrille was wringing her hands, looking as nervous as I had ever seen her. Señor Ramirez was standing at her side, looking impeccably dressed and somewhat irritated. That is, looking like Señor Ramirez.

He pointed at Sister Bertrille. “ _She_ has a little problem. _I_ am fine.”

“Oh, ignore Carlos. He just doesn’t want to talk about it because he’s embarrassed.”

Señor Ramirez rolled his eyes. “Who is embarrassed? I just think you’re getting worked up over nothing.”

“Oh, really? So you won’t mind if I go to the Reverend Mother about it, then?” Said Sister Bertrille, folding her arms.

This seemed to have an unexpectedly strong effect on Señor Ramirez, as he stumbled back slightly and began to stammer. “N-No need to be hasty, huh?” He tugged at his cravat uneasily. “She’s probably busy. She has a convent to run.”

Sister Bertrille nodded triumphantly. “We can’t go to the Reverend Mother because _someone_ ,” She glanced at Señor Ramirez, who was busy composing himself. “…said he’d throw himself out a window if I tried.”

Oftentimes Señor Ramirez will use gross exaggeration and empty threats to vent his emotions in a sort of loud but ultimately harmless bluster. To this day I am not entirely sure that this was one of those times.

“So, anyway, you’re kind of a compromise. I have to tell someone, so…Please, Sister Jacqueline, can it be you?”

She seemed truly desperate, so I could hardly refuse. “Of course. What happened?”

“Well, it was nothing, really!” Seeking assistance from Señor Ramirez but apparently getting none, Sister Bertrille continued alone. “See, you know how we took the children on a trip to the carnival, and Carlos agreed to come along and help out? Anyway, while we were there, I saw a kissing booth. I hadn’t seen one of those since I was a kid! So I told Carlos how I used to love those, and he laughed and said that he couldn’t really imagine a nun at a kissing booth. So I told him that I meant before, back when I was just Elsie Ethrington.” Señor Ramirez mouthed the name to himself with apparent disbelief. Sister Bertrille didn’t seem to notice, as she carried on regardless. “Anyway, I must’ve looked a little put out because he asked me what the problem was. I said that I used to have so much fun with them and it’d been so long, but now that I’m a nun I can’t really…” She seemed to falter, so I nodded encouragingly.

“Go on.”

“So, anyway, he kinda looked one way and then the other, and then he pulled me between two tents where nobody could see us and he kind of…Well, that is, he…”

“I just gave her a little peck, that’s all.” Said Señor Ramirez, speaking for the first time in a while. “Just as a friend, since she looked so sad about the kissing booth.”

I confess I almost laughed. It was hardly proper conduct for a member of our order, to be sure. But for Sister Bertrille to look so nervous over something so small!

“Well, that’s no big crime! It’s not exactly the way one should treat a nun, but Señor Ramirez just thought he was doing you a favour. I’m sure he knows not to do it again, doesn’t he?”

Señor Ramirez nodded gravely. “Yes, yes, Sister, of course. I’m sorry to have caused any trouble.” He turned to Sister Bertrille, dropping his polite contrition in favour of a slightly hurried air. “There, you see? You worried for nothing. No need to bother Sister Jacqueline any further. Let’s go.” But although he grabbed her arm and made to leave, Sister Bertrille did not move.

“That was the _first_ time.”

Señor Ramirez groaned and tugged harder on her arm. “Sister, come on-“

I raised an eyebrow. “It happened again?”

Señor Ramirez stepped forward, shielding Sister Bertrille slightly behind him. “You must not blame her, it is not her fault. I thought she was someone else, I grabbed her, I am to blame. If you must be angry with someone, be angry with me.”

His expression was one of sincere concern, and I believed him.

“I’m not angry. Not with either of you. It was just mistaken identity, and it could happen to anyone.” I tried to sound reproachful, which was slightly difficult when speaking with a grown man instead of a misbehaving child. I don’t know how the Reverend Mother does it. “But I trust you will be a little more discerning in the future before you…” I searched for an appropriate word, but thankfully Señor Ramirez spared me the trouble.

“Er, yes. You have my word.”

Sister Bertrille clapped her hands together happily, obviously relieved to have gotten her indiscretions off her chest.

“It won’t happen again, we promise.” She nudged her friend with her elbow. “Don’t we, Carlos?”

“Yeah.” He took a deep breath and nodded. “We promise.”

***

It happened again.

About a week later, the two of them cornered me in the garden, twin guilty expressions on their faces.

“You fell?” I asked after hearing their explanation.

“Um, more or less. We weren’t hurt, if you were worried.”

I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Well…that’s good to know.”

“It was an accident.”

“Yes, I’m sure it was.”

“It won’t happen again.”

***

It did.

Again, and again, for almost three months. Sometimes their visits would be weeks apart, sometimes days. On one occasion, hours.

***

“Whose fault was it this time?”

They both pointed at each other.

“His.”

“Hers.”

“Of course.”

***

After a while, the pair more or less gave up on trying to explain themselves. It became a question not of _if_ they would have another accident, but _when_.

***

“How many is it now?”

“Seven, I think. I’ve decided I’m stopping counting. It’s no good for my nerves.”

***

Things finally came to a head one night when I went into my room, expecting to prepare for bed, only to find Sister Bertrille and Señor Ramirez waiting inside. I was readying myself to scold them for their indiscretion, but something in their postures stopped me. Sister Bertrille was sitting on my bed, looking anxiously towards the door. Señor Ramirez was sitting in my chair in the corner, looking for all the world like a sullen schoolboy who had been dragged to see the headmaster.

Even before they said a word, I could tell that something was different.

“What was it this time?”

Sister Bertrille looked at her hands, folded neatly in her lap. “Actually, this time it wasn’t anything.”

I raised my eyebrows.

“I’m sorry?”

She shrugged and gave me a smile that probably felt much more convincing than it looked.

“Well I’d been out flying, just a quick joyflight, when the wind died and I got stranded on the road. Carlos happened to be passing in his car and he said he’d drive me back to the convent since it was getting late. He was just saying goodnight at the door, and then we were just standing there…really close…and then I opened the door and I thought maybe we should come see you. T-To tell you…how we didn’t have any accidents this time.”

In her lap, her fingers worried at the cloth of her habit. She flashed me another smile, even shakier than the last one.

“So, I think maybe we’re finally done with this! Isn’t that right, Carlos?”

But Señor Ramirez said nothing. In fact, he had not said a single word since I had come into the room. He just looked at the floor, a deep frown on his face. In the short silence that followed, it was as if something in my head clicked into place.

“Oh.”

“What’s that for?” He muttered, not looking up. “I am saying nothing. You keep your ‘Oh.’”

I coughed. “Is Sister Bertrille’s explanation entirely accurate?”

Señor Ramirez shrugged. “Like I said. I am saying nothing.”

Sister Bertrille suddenly looked strangely sour. “Wow, thanks for the support.”

His head jerked up. “I did you a favour bringing you home, and you thank me by getting upset with me?”

“Upset? Why should I be upset? You’re just leaving me in the lurch like you would any other girl!”

I got the distinct impression that this argument had been going on for some time, probably from about halfway up the stairs to the second floor until just before I entered my room. And, just like any argument that had been going on for a while, it seemed that the participants had long since lost sight of what it had originally been about.

“Oh, treat you like a girl? That’s what you want?” He rose and stalked over to her. “Fine. I’ll take you to my yacht, we’ll have dinner, and then just when we are getting to the good part you can kick down my door and interrupt yourself! I almost think you’ve been doing it on purpose!”

She stood up and stamped defiantly, refusing to let him intimidate her. “I can’t believe you!”

It was about that point that I completely lost control of the situation.

“Of all the times I’ve been alone with you-“

“And I do what, eh? I give you my money, I lend you my car, I lend you my yacht, that’s what I do! You are the one who keeps doing this!”

“I am taking my vows, and you can’t stop me!”

“Sister, I don’t want to stop you! You want to be a nun, you go be a nun!”

“Oh, so you are kissing and running, eh? That’s what you do to all the girls, why should I be any different?”

“I swear, I will choke the _life_ out of you!”

I had to get things back under control before my bedroom became a crime scene. I had let the situation go on for far too long. It was time to get to the point. I held up a hand. “Before this goes any further…” They managed to tear themselves away from their bickering and look at me. “Thank you. Before this goes any further, let me ask you both a question. What do you actually want to come from this?”

“I want this ungrateful girl to stop yelling and get out of my life!”

I ignored him and focussed on Sister Bertrille. “I am going to be direct. Do you want to leave the convent for Señor Ramirez?”

She balked. “I…Well…No. I don’t. This life…it’s what I chose to do.”

Señor Ramirez dropped his gaze to the floor once more.

“And you, Señor Ramirez.” His head jerked and he grunted in recognition of his name, but he didn’t look up. “Do you want Sister Bertrille to leave the convent for you?”

“No.” Rather than yelling, he was now muttering so quietly I could hardly hear him. “She’s a sister, she should be a sister.”

“Then, what do you want?”

Finally, he looked up. There was a desperate look in his eyes. “Can everything just go back to normal? Please?” He was almost begging.

I sighed. “I’m afraid that if you two keep going on the way you have, things will never go back to normal. The way it looks to me is this. All of these…accidents were more or less unplanned, weren’t they?”

Señor Ramirez glared pointedly at Sister Bertrille. “Yes. That’s why they’re accidents.”

Sister Bertrille bit her lip. “I suppose so.”

I nodded. “Well, that explains it.” Two heads jerked towards me in unison and I smiled a little before continuing. “Sister Bertrille, you’re a very bright, pretty young woman.” She nodded, uncertain. “And though I probably shouldn’t be saying this, Señor Ramirez is a very handsome man.” Even in his foul mood, he still preened a little at that. “The fact is, when you put everything else aside, you two are still a man and a woman who spend a great deal of time alone together. If you had met under different circumstances, I have no doubt that the two of you would have become involved. Even if only for a short time.” Señor Ramirez’s scowl returned, but I ignored it. I had a feeling what I was about to say would be enough to wipe that frown right off his face.

“You need to…get it out of your systems.”

I was right.

Señor Ramirez spluttered, and Sister Bertrille, well, she looked almost about to faint. I pressed on.

“As long as you keep hiding behind accidents and excuses, you are never going to be satisfied. So, it makes sense for you two to just be honest about what you want to do. The two of you are curious, and you want to kiss each other. You’ve been thinking about it ever since the carnival, and it’s obvious that you’re not going to be able to get it out of your minds until you do. So I think you should get it over with. Then you’ll be happy and you can go back to normal, and all this nonsense can finally end.”

At long last, Señor Ramirez found his voice. Well, most of it.

“But…I-I cannot…She is a sister!”

“That doesn’t seem to have stopped you so far.”

His face darkened further. “Those were accidents!” He loomed toward me. Suddenly Sister Bertrille’s ability to cheerfully weather our patron’s stormy temper seemed all the more miraculous. I willed myself not to falter and I’m proud to say I succeeded.

“Señor Ramirez, you have come to me for advice and I am providing it. If you want to solve this once and for all, you will have to get it out of your system. The two of you are going to have to just do this.”

“Okay.”

Señor Ramirez and I both turned to look as Sister Bertrille, shaking like a leaf, came towards us. She tugged on Señor Ramirez’s sleeve and he muttered something to her, so quietly I couldn’t hear it. Sister Bertrille shook her head and then faced me.

“I’ll do it.”

Then, as one, she and I turned to look at Señor Ramirez. And waited.

Señor Ramirez balked a little under our gaze, but he remained indignant. “But you…” His voice gained confidence as he found another angle. “Sister Jacqueline. You are gonna leave a tiny girl alone with me, and you are telling me I have to kiss her. And you are okay with that? With _my_ reputation?”

Sister Bertrille beat me to the answer, but I was happy to let her. The whole idea was to get them to address this head-on, after all.

“Carlos, I said I’m okay with it. And I didn’t actually mean the rotten things I said about you before. You’ve always been a good friend to me.”

And with that, Señor Ramirez’s anger deflated like a balloon. “Yeah, well…you’re a pretty good friend too. Even if you do drive me crazy.” He gave one last sigh and looked to me. “Alright, sister. How does this work?”

“Just a second.” I poked my head into the hallway and, after checking to see that nobody was coming, came back in and shut the door. “Alright. I am going to stand by the door and turn my back to give you some space.” Not too much, though. A little privacy was only fair, but too much spelled disaster. “Are you ready?”

Suddenly nervous, the two looked at each other for several moments before one finally gave an answer. To my surprise, it was Sister Bertrille who spoke.

“Ready as we’ll ever be.”

“Very well.”

I turned my back and shut my eyes, and waited.

For a moment there was silence behind me. Then movement, and muttering. Of course I had no intention of eavesdropping, but I could not help but overhear bits and pieces.

“Okay?”

“You don’t have to if…”

“No, no, she’s right.”

“…Right. Ready?”

“Ready.”

Then, there was quiet.

After a little while, there was a cough. I turned around to see Sister Bertrille and Señor Ramirez standing side by side, looking more than a little red around the cheeks.

“Well?”

Sister Bertrille blushed even redder. “W-Well…” She tried to settle herself. “It was…he was perfectly, ah, I…” A small smile crept across her face. “It was nice.”

Señor Ramirez threw up his hands. “Oh, do you hear that? Nice. That is just great. A nun thinks I just kiss nice.” He shook a finger in her face. “My reputation will be ruined, you know.” But his bluster was only that, and he was smiling too.

I couldn’t help but give a little grin myself, but I caught it quickly and tried to look stern.

“So, are you ready to kick the habit now?” Both of them winced, and I decided it would be best to rephrase. “That is, now that you’ve gotten it out of your systems, do you think these little accidents will stop happening?”

They nodded.

“Yes, Sister Jacqueline.”

And that, finally, was the end of it.

Well, barring accidents.


End file.
